Iyow - in your own words

WASHINGTON – Super secret satellite photos taken in September of this year reveal greatly increased activity at the Putin Soul Simulator site in Northern Siberia, Pentagon sources revealed today.

The news comes after repeated claims by Kremlin spokesmen that Russia is abiding by the new anti-soul-simulator proliferation treaty signed last year in Chennai, India.

“Obviously, we now have to view those Russian statements with a high degree of skepticism,” said U.S. Air Force Captain Rick Pego. “At about 0600 on the date in question, that place was lit up like a friggin’ Christmas tree.”

According to recently declassified documents, the Putin Soul Simulator was first deployed in the summer of 2001 to convinced American President George W. Bush that Russian President Vladimir Putin not only possessed a soul, but felt himself to be accountable to a vengeful Christian God for his actions here on earth.

In remarks later revealed to be the product of radio-wave hypnosis used to induce insanely optimistic judgments and life-like glimpses into the metaphysical world, Bush told press at the time that he “looked [Putin] in the eyes. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy…I was able to get a sense of his soul…He’s a man deeply committed to his country and the best interests of his country…”

Shortly after Bush’s remarks, Putin reportedly won a bet with North Korean President Kim Yong Il concerning who could rack up the most international headlines for human rights violations in a month. Then, in February of 2004, NSA satellites recorded a phone conversation between Putin and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in which an openly admiring Ahmadinejad said, “tacit government endorsement for hate crimes and racism! You’re a genius, Putin!”

Finally, just this week Russia announced that it will send a formidable naval fleet into the Mediterranean Sea in a gratuitous bid to terrorize cruise ship patrons. At a press conference announcing the move, Putin judo-kicked a defenseless old woman and cried “retirement is for the weak!”

Until now, the United States government has said little on the record about the Putin Soul Simulator. But Jim Chemaik, a Russia expert at the University of Delaware, speculates that, with a U.S. Presidential election looming, Pentagon strategists want to a send a message that they will not sit idly by and watch another American president made into a laughing stock.

“A lot of experts have concluded that Bush’s portrayal of Putin as some kind of broad-minded humanitarian tops the list for all-time goofiest statement made by a power-drunk executive officer,” Chemaik said. “It makes Neville Chamberlin’s chummy relationship with Hitler seem almost astute by comparison.”

Chemaik conceded that the global community is somewhat less vulnerable today to massive truth distortion of this type, thanks to the huge loss of American credibility in recent years. But he said the Pentagon is right to be concerned. “If Hillary Clinton or Rudy Giuliani should repeat Bush’s error, it would make it hard for even Poland to join U.S. military missions without feeling stupid,” Chemaik cautioned.

Others, however, offered a different interpretation.

“It could be that what we’re seeing here is the Russians in a panic,” said defense industry consultant Brian Osterlanger.

While the mechanism of the Putin Soul Simulator is still poorly understood here in the West, there has long been speculation about why the device was never used again after the Bush visit, Osterlanger said.

“Some have argued – conclusively, I think – that the original device is only effective on persons with below normal levels of intellectual curiosity,” said Osterlanger. “Obviously, if you deploy a device like that against a hardened political cynic like Hillary Clinton or Rudy Giuliani, it could backfire. They might be induced to make idiotic remarks for the benefit of duping the American public, but it’s highly unlikely that they could ever be made to believe what they themselves have said.”